Communication is a two way process

Have you heard of that before? Communication has changed so much throughout the years, thank you to the evolution of technology which has given us many new innovative ways to communicate. But with all of these new techy ways to engage with others, would you say that we are slowly losing touch with humanity? Communication is a major factor in many failing relationships and this can range from romantic relationships, family relationships, and even work. There are many factors in effective communication that need to be refreshed.

As a therapist I would have many clients with communication issues and this is ranging from adolescents trying to communicate feelings to their parents to adults having difficulties expressing themselves with their partners or even their children. One thing we are not mindful of is how we use our words, tone of voice and body language. When we communicate ineffectively, we tend to assume, overthink, create conflict and misunderstanding. I am guilty of not utilizing the proper ways to communicate effectively and I am not proud of it. There are moments that can take hold of our better judgement but that is something that can easily be avoided by utilizing tools to help with self-expression.

When we communicate, the main goal is to feel heard, understood, and respected. This will help to create the flow for a healthy exchange. Become mindful of your words, non-verbal expressions and even written communications. It all stems down to perception. How are you executing what you are trying to express? How would that other individual perceive what you are showing or saying?

So how can we have effective communication?

First, we practice active listening and look out for any non-verbal cues being expressed by whom we are engaging with. Take a handle on managing emotions. If you are upset and find yourself in an argument where you can definitely hear the person but are not actively listening then it is time to recenter yourself, breathe, and revisit the conversation when you are cool, calm, and collected. Lastly, ask for feedback. We are not mind readers so rather than assume, just ask. It is also beneficial to ask open ended questions which allows for conversation to flow. The use of “I messages” which replace “you” when addressing thoughts, feelings, etc. help change the tone of what an individual is trying to communicate in order to avoid conversations beginning with “you” which can come off as defensive.

There are four different styles of communication: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive.

First, when one has a passive communication style, that individual tends to yield to others not allowing to express thoughts or feelings, in short, that person is a people-pleaser. Second, aggressive communication is when one can become hostile or aggressive with their words, sounding like “my way or the highway “idiom. Third, Passive-Aggressive is when one expresses themselves indirectly. Lastly, Assertive communication is when one can express their own needs, wants, etc. while also taking into consideration the other person. This is considered the most effective way to communicate.

Communication will always be fundamental in relationships and I hope that this breakdown of communication skills and styles can help identify the way you communicate and if there is anything that needs to be improved. In the era of text messages, instant messages, emails, and even social media posts, we can find so many miscommunicated things and it is best to ask directly rather than assume what we think the person meant.

As I end this post, I think of my children and how they are growing up in a time where technology is overtaking the intimate interaction of communicating. So, I make it imperative to do that old fashioned thing and have conversations and discussions together as a family in person. As well as model healthy communication styles. There is no pressure to be textbook perfect, as that is not realistic (we are not robots), but just be mindful to listen, process and ask questions when needed.